Why Mommy Got Fat


	It's better to spend your energy lobbying Congress to censor the media and writing letters to get comedians and radio show hosts fired. You've got a bundle of joy and another one on the way. How do you explain why mommy is getting fatter than usual? We already know why daddy is an obese depressed mess, but something is definitely up. Explaining life and reproduction in a way that will permanently confuse, scar and shame your children takes a load of work, and we are here to help. Explain to them that sex is a filthy act that a married man and woman must do in order to make a baby. That's it. No test runs. No taking the car out for a spin. Clear? Show your child a picture of a person burning in a firey pit, then point at their privates. They'll get the hint.

The only thing you should be teaching your children is a very big and important word - ABSTINENCE! Teach them the three C's: celibacy, chastity, chaperones. Tell them a person's body is like a piece of cake. Imagine it is your birthday and you are about to enjoy that cake when someone comes along, grabs the cake, stuffs it in their mouth, chews it and spits it back onto the plate. It doesn't look so appealing now does it? Nobody likes used cake and that's what you'll be if you have sex before marriage. Only homeless people like used cake.

America has the highest rate of teenage pregnancy in the Western world due to the filthy sitcoms, radio shows, and secular schools. This has nothing to do with President Lawton's policy of abstinence-only sex education being ineffective. This is the fault of all the fornicating liberals. In some states, hippy teachers will try to teach you about sex by putting balloons on bananas and showing you pornographic cartoons. They will also tell you that man used to be a monkey and giant dragons used to walk the earth. These people take drugs and hate babies. It is your right as a proud American patriot to boycott this leftist propaganda. Contrary to everything that you see in magazines, music videos, movies, history books and on television and the internet, it is not natural for young people to think about anything but getting into a sexless hopeless marriage.

Here are some scientific facts:
- Abstinence is #1
- Leftist thought can cause pregnancy
- 98% of homeless people engaged in pre-marital sex
- All poor people are born out of wedlock
- Another person's saliva can cause a rain of locusts
- 99% of drug addicts engaged in pre-marital heavy petting
- Your body is filthy
- 78% of presidents have been virgins, including the last three
- The Internet is disgusting, except for this site
- 96% of serial killers engaged in pre-marital sex
- 9 out of 10 of the BAWSAQ 100 CEOs abstained from sex before marriage
- Condoms will kill you

IF they ask questions, you may need to send your child to a boarding school or sacrifice them in the woods, as they are most likely possessed by a liberal demon.